Because of You
by Things in Ink
Summary: Kelly Clarkson's Because of You - songfic. "I was always one to keep my emotions inside. I wouldn't show fear, sadness, or hurt. But one thing I did far too well was remember."


Hi peeps! So, I thought that instead of working on one of my, like, six other stories, I should write this! Songfic based on Kelly Clarkson's Because of You. Hope you like it, please review!

Natara Williams' POV.

I was always one to keep my emotions inside. I wouldn't show fear, sadness, or hurt. But one thing I did far too well was remember.

_I will not make_

_the same mistakes _

_that you did._

_I will not let myself _

_cause my heart so much_

_misery._

I remembered Shawn. How I loved him so dearly. How I shot him. How he fell down the wrong path. How Mal shot him.

_Mal. _One of the few people I actually trusted. Just thinking of him brought a smile to my face. The good. The bad. He actually understood me.

_I will not break_

_the way you did,_

_you fell so hard._

_I learned the hard way_

_to never let it_

_get that far._

But really, when it came down to it, there was a lot of bad about me.

_I lose my way_

_and it's not too long_

_before you_

_point it out._

It seemed like whatever mistakes I made were tallied up. When I got too many, my life would turn into hell. It certinaly seemed that way. Miami, Geneveive Collins, Shawn, and now the Kraken. I would be happy here and there, but nothing good ever lasts. I know that now.

_I can not cry_

_because I know_

_that's weakness _

_in your eyes._

_I'm forced to fake_

_a smile, a laugh, _

_every day of my life._

I could tell she still wanted me, no, she needed me. She didn't want to die without leaving me broken. Honestly? It almost scared me. She tried to kill Mal, Neha, and I. Really, she did kill Shawn, in a way. She stole the real Shawn away from me and turned him into an evil killer. I put on a brave face for everyone because that's what they expected. But I knew, in the back of my mind, that she would kill me. Or maybe one of her children. Either way, I'm fairly sure that she will cause my death. And that alone secretly terrified me.

_My heart can't possibly break_

_if it wasn't _

_even whole to start with._

I met Oscar Santos while working on a horrible case about a serial killer who cuts off women's faces; not the best way to meet someone who you would date. I still had a gaping hole in my heart from the incident with Shawn. I wanted to love again, I craved love. I thought he loved me. It seemed like he did. Did I love him? Maybe, for a while. But now, thinking about it, I really didn't. He was like a distraction from my life. I didn't truly love him.

When he broke up with me, I didn't really feel anything. I was too broken before he dumped me and nothing changed.

_I watched you die,_

_I heard you cry,_

_every night in your sleep._

_I was too young,_

_you should have known _

_better than to lean on me._

_You never thought _

_of anyone else,_

_you just saw your pain._

_And now I cry_

_in the middle of the night_

_for the same_

_damn_

_thing._

Why did everything remind me of Shawn? I still had nightmares, even today, so long past when he disappeared. Usually, the nightmare was the same. Shawn was falling and I could reach out and grab him, but I didn't. I watched as he fell. I watched as he disappeared. I would wake up in a cold sweat, wanting to just cry. Sometimes I did.

_Because of you,_

_I never stray_

_too far from the sidewalk._

_Because of you,_

_I learned to play on the safe side_

_so I don't get hurt._

_Because of you,_

_I find it hard to trust not only me _

_but everyone around me._

_Because of you,_

_I am_

_afraid._

A memory rushed back to me. Mal and I were undercover. I was being held as hostage. He spoke from his heart. I remembered everything he said, word for word.

"In her darkest, loneliest hours, she worries that she's the kind of person who can't be loved... The kind of person that can't love back. She's been hurt, see... Hurt bad by someone she cared about... And she's afraid that she'll never be able to really trust another person again.

"She's the bravest woman I've ever met, Gil. She's stared down serial killers and fought brutal criminals... But the one thing she's afraid of is that she might be too damaged to ever really be happy."

The words striked me again, with as much force as when I first heard Mal say them. But as I thought about it, it was true. Like he could read my mind. He was wrong about one thing, though. I could trust one person on the planet. Him.

I could trust him because I knew for a fact that I loved him.


End file.
